


Push and Pull

by biboyhalo



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: But only if you squint, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Pre-Relationship, friends to friends that Know™, i will most likely write a sequel?? maybe??, no beta we die like tubbo without feather falling, still tagging just in case
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29332974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biboyhalo/pseuds/biboyhalo
Summary: Half confessions and hushed voices. Skeppy knows they both push and pull, both walk on eggshells. Maybe he's not ready to fully stop. But maybe he's ready to at least go in that direction.
Relationships: BadBoyHalo/Skeppy
Comments: 5
Kudos: 149





	Push and Pull

“Something funny happened today” Bad suddenly brings up, voice laced with tiredness.

Skeppy almost doesn’t understand him with the quality of Bad’s phone mic and with his own head slowly trying to swim into unconsciousness. He shifts on the pillow, adjusting his earphones with it.

“What was it” he murmurs. It must be early morning hours where Bad lives, but they’ve been on this call for hours, refusing to stop talking even after deciding that it’s time to go to sleep. They’ve had the ‘you hang up first’ fights before, and the result rarely got them anywhere. So sometimes this happened. Talking until passing out.

“I realised I love you more than I love my favourite colour.”

Skeppy opens his eyes, head twisting to look at his phone, despite it not having any further explanation of what Bad just said.

“What?” He lets out a confused laugh. Bad’s sleep deprived thoughts tended to make him say the most random of things, and Skeppy knew that, but it still baffled him every time. There’s a sense of mirth in that sentiment though. “How do you even think something like that?”

“Well, I was making breakfast and I noticed one of the knife handles is blue while the rest are black.” Bad starts, his tone shifting into his usual story voice. “I thought to myself ‘Huh. That’s weird.’ Because you know, I usually buy things in my favourite colour. Black or Red!” his story continues, and Skeppy can’t help but smile to himself. “And then I noticed more random things around my house! Some blue mugs in my cupboard, a pen in my room, even my shower gel is blue.”

“Hmmm...” he closes his eyes again, settling back into the pillow.

“Yeah.” Bad laughs to himself “I still have red things and black things, but the newer things are mostly blue. Seems like I’d much rather look at a colour that makes me think of you, than my favourite colour”

Skeppy pushes his face into the material of the pillow now, but even that can’t stop the wide smile on his face. It’s almost irrational, the way Bad can make him feel so intoxicated, the way it takes him almost no effort to reduce Skeppy to this state. The tiredness isn’t helping.

“Because whenever I look at it,” Bad continues, “I think of you. And then I get happy, because you make me happy.” he giggles again, words leaving without any hesitation. “And because there’s blue things everywhere now, I think of you all the time. Infinite happiness”

Skeppy has to physically stop himself from making a sound. A scream would probably be muffled by the pillow, but he still doesn’t want to take any risks. It’s ridiculous. Bad’s words are still subtly reaching out, curling around Skeppy’s sluggish thoughts, lingering in the empty space of the call. ‘ _You make me happy’_ echoes in his head. There’s a funny sensation in his stomach, one he learned to associate with Bad many months ago. ‘ _I think of you all the time’_. The sensation expands.

He opens his mouth but closes it again when he realises the words being supplied to him by his brain.

Not yet, not yet, _not yet._

“Geppy?”

But when?

It seems like every time they’re on the brink of saying something, _anything,_ about this thing they have, there’s an invisible barrier stopping them. Skeppy wants to say it’s all on Bad, wants to believe he himself isn’t at fault, but he knows it’s not true. Skeppy pulls Bad in, close, personal, opens up his heart, only to backtrack in the same breath. He pushes Bad away, avoiding any confrontation of his feelings, only to whisper half-confessions later during the night, when he thinks Bad is sleeping.

“Geppy~”

He’s a mess. That much is clear. He wonders for a second if Bad does it on purpose, if he says things he knows will both make and break Skeppy’s heart, but then shakes his head, as if physically trying to get rid of the thought. For all he knows it’s _him_ that’s making it all up. For all he knows, Bad may not even be aware that Skeppy thinks they have a _thing_.

But then again…

“Ge~ppy~”

_Push and pull._

“When can we meet up?” the question comes out quick, determined, Skeppy almost choking on his breath at the force with which it comes out of him

“What” Bad sounds taken aback, and if Skeppy wasn’t so in his own head, he’d probably smile at how cute the older man can be sometimes. “Ummm… I don’t know. We could arrange something for next month. Or the month after, maybe?”

“Bad.” He knows he sounds whiny, but he doesn’t care.

“What?” This time there’s that tinge of exasperation in his voice, mixed with a note of amusement. But Skeppy doesn’t want this to be one of those ‘fights’ again. He closes his eyes.

He pulls again.

“Bad…” his tone is softer now, almost desperate. “I… I need to see you in person. I need to…” he takes a deep breath, the need to shut up, to turn it into their usual playful banter overwhelming. He resists. “I need to tell you something. In person.”

The silence sits between them for a moment. A short breath. Skeppy isn’t even sure if it’s his or Bad’s.

“Why can’t you tell me now?” Bad’s voice is soft too.

“I…” His hands shake. He opens his eyes, head turning to look at the ceiling.

‘ _I’m scared’_ he thinks. ‘ _I’m scared because I feel so much for you, and I never even met you. I’m scared that somehow I made all of this up, that I’ll tell you how I feel and then it’ll disappear when it becomes real. I’m scared I tricked myself into feeling this, into feeling like this about a man, when my whole life it was only women. I’m scared I’ll hurt you. I’m scared you’ll hurt me. I’m scared because this feels real, but I fucked up things that felt like they’ll last before.’_

_‘I’m scared, because I know you’re forever, but forever is a terrifying concept.’_

He opens his mouth.

Another push.

“Whatever. Maybe I’ll just meet with Sapnap again.” It’s definitely not what he wants to say, but it’s out now, Bad’s offended scoff replacing the delicate tone they both adapted before.

“Hey! No way, mister! No meeting anyone before you meet me!” he raises his voice and Skeppy giggles, despite the nervous feeling resonating inside him.

Against his better judgement he speaks again.

“Or maybe I’ll just find myself a girlfriend.” Once it’s out he can’t take it back, he can’t pretend he didn’t say it. He doesn’t mean it, hasn’t meant it for a while now, despite repeating it every once and again. The purpose of saying it has been one and the same. The reason he says it.

It works now, too, Bad going silent, no snarky comment about this specific thing.

Skeppy’s heart is racing. The high of the earlier conversation and the weird feeling of hope Bad’s silence gives him, is enough for him to do a complete turn. He wants more. He wants confirmation, he wants any kind of sign, more than just assumptions. Instead of teasing, he pulls again.

“Would you _want_ me to get a girlfriend Bad?”

“I want you to do whatever makes you happy Skeppy” The answer is quick, as if rehearsed, Bad’s smile audible through it, but he can’t help but wonder how much of it is a mask.

“That’s not what I asked.” He tries not to get off track, voice stable, despite the jitteriness he’s feeling. “Do you want me to get a girlfriend?”

“I told you.” Skeppy is almost sure he can hear the façade cracking a little. Or maybe it’s just hopeful thinking. “If it will make you happy then-”

“Bad.” Hands shaking, he persists. “Do _you_ , personally want me to get a girlfriend?”

It takes Bad a moment longer to answer this time. Skeppy can hear every breath the other takes, the deep exhale before he finally comes to a conclusion.

“It doesn’t matter what I want.” It’s flat, as if he’s keeping his emotions in check “You have to live your life for you. You can’t live your life trying to please other people and pushing your feelings aside.”

“And you can?” Skeppy doesn’t know where this feeling of boldness suddenly comes from, but he doesn’t miss Bad’s quiet gasp. It only eggs him on. “I just want to know.” He squeezes the material of his sheets in his hands, to avoid digging his fingernails into his palms. “Please tell me.” A whisper. “Do you want me to get a girlfriend? Would _you_ be happy if I got a girlfriend?”

It’s longer, this time, the silence, the longest they had yet today. He can’t even hear the breathing this time. After a few more moments he reaches out his hand to check if Bad is even still on the call, but then freezes half way when the other finally, _finally_ speaks.

“No.”

It’s quiet, but clear. He can’t breathe. His feels as if his heart stops for a few seconds, too. Maybe it’s because he wasn’t expecting a direct answer, not from Bad, not this straightforward. It’s his turn to be speechless, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. He kind of feels like one, too. Breathless.

“Okay.” He whispers the word, eyes wide. There’s a tingling sensation in his stomach, and it’s only expanding, getting bigger and bigger, filling his whole body with a spark of a feeling. “I won’t get one then.”

“Skeppy you can’t-” Bad starts to protest, probably wanting to say the same shtick about not living for other people, but Skeppy stops him before he can get anywhere with it.

“I don’t want a girlfriend Bad.” He’s smiling, a stupid wide smile, just because he got a sliver of a confirmation. It’s not… direct. But is as direct as Bad can give him. “I want… I need to see you.” He lowers his tone. “I really need to see you.”

Bad sighs. A moment passes. Then another.

“At the end of March…” Bad starts, and Skeppy perks up “My roommate is going away for a week or two. If you want you can-’”

“Yes. Please.”

“Okay.” An inhale then an exhale. “Okay. I’m… I’m going to go to sleep now Skeppy.”

It sounds like a goodbye for today, but weirdly it doesn’t scare him. He gets it, he feels overwhelmed too, not realising how much this conversation took out of him. He’s still shaking. He’s smiling but he’s shaking. He wants to scream and cry and laugh all at the same time. He wants to… He wants to see Bad. And he will see Bad.

“Goodnight.” He responds, grip on his sheets relaxing. “I love you Bad.”

“I love you too.” Soft. Skeppy’s heart sings. “Goodnight.”

Bad is the one to disconnect first. Skeppy stares at the ceiling. Tears gather at the corners oh his eyes.

End of March. The final pull.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading i'm on tumblr under biboyhalo uwu


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